I am not what you
would call a romantic person. Sure, I enjoy receiving the occasional
bouquet or batch of cookies from Jacek, but for the most part, I’m just
happy when he shows up on time with the right movie. In return, I
provide for him a comfy couch and a suitable beverage. This give and
take really works for us.
So
imagine my surprise, then, when Jacek announced at the beginning of the
week that he had made reservations for us at our town’s one semi-fancy
restaurant on Valentine’s Day. Our meal would be followed by a trip to
the local movie theatre where the romantic film, Atonement was playing.
I was
thrilled by the prospect of an evening out, and on a school night, even!
Our tiny town doesn’t really offer much in the way of entertainment, so
unless copious drinking at one of the town’s many watering holes is
part of your plans, a romantic evening out is a rare find in small town
Montana.
But as it
soon turned out, this town started to work against our romantic plans.
It all started on Wednesday, the night before Valentine’s Day.
I should mention that it was a minor miracle that Atonement
was playing at the local theater. A 2-plex, the theater generally
specializes in family films and whatever blockbuster schlock was popular
three weeks ago.
Unfortunately
for Jacek and me as we found out in the local paper, the theater
decided to change the films on Thursday instead of Friday as they
usually do. Our choices, The Spiderwick Chronicles or Jumper. Nothing says Valentine’s like films about fishy toad beasts and teleportation.
We
decided to forgo the trip to the movie theater and instead encamp at my
place after dinner for a TIVO viewing of our favorite guilty pleasure, Rock of Love
featuring an aging rocker from an 80’s hair band trying to find love
among 20 blond bimbos. Nothing says romance like watching girls in
bikinis cleaning their beloved’s motorcycle.
And
everything just went downhill from there. On Valentine’s day itself, my
stereo broke, forever encasing two favorite cds in its hard plastic cd
changer. Later that day I found out that I owe HR Block AND the state of
Montana tax money. At
this point, I was mentally crossing my fingers that Jacek was paying for
dinner. Nothing says Valentine’s like being broke.
Jacek and
I arrived at dinner to find that the restaurant was serving special
Valentine’s meals that included beef, beef, and halibut. I’m a
vegetarian and have been for over 15 years. I asked about potential
vegetarian options, but none were forthcoming. Nothing says romance like
cholesterol-inducing Montana beef.
We left
the restaurant and walked down the street to the next eatery, a
family-style diner with pool tables and video games. Though lacking in
romantic ambience, this restaurant’s menu featured several vegetarian
options. To my delight there were only two screaming babies and a
Centipede video game. Jacek ponied up a few quarters and we settled in
for a few rounds only to find that the roller ball on the machine didn’t
work. Out little stationary man got creamed and the game was over
quickly. Nothing says romance like screaming babies and broken video
games.
At this
point, we decided to go with fate and make it the least romantic night
possible, so we went back to his place and picked up his dog (whom I’ve
nicknamed, ‘birth control’ because of his mood-breaking flatulence) and
some Beavis and Butthead DVDs.
Back at my place, we popped in the DVDs and settled in for an evening of adolescent humor. And as far as I’m concerned, nothing says romance like uncontrollable laughter with my fella.
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