Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Why I Hate Poetry Readings


If one were to look at my Facebook updates posted during these past summer months, one would believe that I had a nice summer. I posted pictures of Peter and me at our beachside condo, lounging by the pool, reading for fun, chasing down the Italian ice vendors, etc. And for the most part, it was a pretty great summer. Except for one thing. 

I got fired.

Let me rephrase that. I was replaced by a colleague to do a job I was forced to do in the first place. But, yeah, mostly, I was just fired.

You see, the way things work at my university, department chairs serve with no pay or course reduction. Chairs essentially coordinate the efforts of the department while attending endless numbers of meetings as the “voice” of the department. Why would anyone want such a job? I didn’t. The job was foisted upon me because in my small department with only (at the time) four tenure-track positions, one person had already been chair, the other person refused, and the newest person had only been on the job for less than a month.

That left me. I should have run the other direction.

I was resentful and bitter all last year. Sure I called regular meetings, set agenda and took minutes, took care of three new part-time adjuncts, ordered new equipment for department offices all the while teaching 24 credits and trying to work on my book, but I did it all (except for teaching) grudgingly.

Throughout the year, I tried to face problems head on. When I found out that a colleague was talking about me behind my back, I went straight to the culprit and asked him to consult with me directly if he had problems with my leadership. When I tried to hire someone to teach a class and was faced with administrative roadblocks, I sat down with the administrators and asked what to do. When I was told that I had done just about everything wrong that I could have done wrong to hire this person, I took my lumps and apologized publicly. 

Honesty, I thought, and forthrightness, would be the best way to communicate effectively with my colleagues. (Those of you who are in academia can see the naiveté in this thinking, but I thought I was blazing a trail of open communication here).

And maybe my honest communication policy would have worked if I had been honest with my feelings about the job in the first place. I deeply resented being punished with this additional service load my first year after being awarded tenure. I wanted to recuperate from my tenure application year and recharge my batteries so I could start my book.

I wonder what would have happened if I had just said all of this before taking on the position. But I didn’t, and I trudged unhappily through the year.

The problem came when I wrote a negative review of an instructor’s class (I even wrote this grudgingly, begging the instructor to let me sit down in conversation with him rather than committing to paper my evaluation). Said instructor went crying to an administrator, threatened to quit, and within a day, I was replaced.

Ironically, the administrator who fired me, did so via telephone as I was standing in a grocery store, three thousand miles away from Montana. It felt surreal to be fired while standing in the chips and dip aisle, and it’s truly a wonder that I didn’t rip open a bag of Tostitos and just go for it right then and there.

I’ve never been fired before, and I have to admit I didn’t handle it well. I vacillated between being incredibly angry at this perceived injustice to finding it a hilariously ironic that I’d been fired from a job I really hated. I know at some point that I’ll be grateful at this turn of events, but I’m not quite there yet.

Mostly I’m just embarrassed that my colleagues think I’m really bad at something. I was brought up to try my best and give my all, and for the most part, I think people see me as a hard worker who tries to be better than just competent. Being fired, however, labels me as incompetent.

So as I pick up the pieces this fall, I’m integrating a few new things in my life. I’m taking piano lessons for the first time in twenty years, and I’m learning to speak German so that I can communicate with my in-laws in more depth than simply making yummy noises while I eat strudel.

But I’m also still trying to practice honesty, this year, for myself. For too long I have held on to resentments because I didn’t want to tell the truth. So ladies and gentlemen, here it is. My first in a series of truth-telling columns:

I hate poetry readings.

There. I said it. It’s really hard for an English professor to own up to this, but I have attended at least a hundred poetry readings in my life, and few of them made me want to do something other than throw myself under a bus.

Here’s my problem with poetry readings. I teach a class called The Oral Tradition. In this class, we read The Iliad, The Odyssey, and Beowulf. We study methods of oral composition and storytelling, and I, along with my students, am always fascinated with how oral storytellers performed their work. Storytellers didn’t memorize the whole of The Iliad; they couldn’t. So they memorized stock phrases and names and retold the story as they remembered the basic plot elements. And they didn’t just tell the story: they PERFORMED it because they were essentially composing on the spot! In hexameter! Now that’s talent!

Today’s poetry readings focus on that: reading. Performance is not often part of the occasion. Instead, I silently die inside as I listen to someone labor over each precious word, pausing from that affected, pretentious reading voice that makes me want to hold the poet down and tell her ugly things about the world.

I honestly believe I would react the same if Shakespeare himself were just reading his sonnets. It’s poetry in performance (read: As You Like It or Taming of the Shrew) that really melts my butter.

And of course, that’s the irony of all this. My bread is literally buttered by the study of poetry. My B.A. and M.A. theses focused on poetry as did my dissertation. I love teaching students how to scan a line of poetry, unearthing its meter, and how to recognize alliteration, assonance, consonance, and all those great sound devices that can make words sing.

And the thing is, I really love reading poetry. I like seeing how a line breaks, where white space infiltrates stanzas, how a slant rhyme performs on the page. I like reading a line out loud to myself over and over so I can roll its sounds around on my tongue. I have read Wordsworth’s “Tintern Abbey” aloud to myself dozens of times and cried each time, thinking about misspent youth. In my head, I recite parts of Maya Angelou’s “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings” while I wait in line at the grocery store (though not so much on the day I got fired).

And I can see the value of poetry readings in the university setting. Our students spend a considerable amount of time composing poetry manuscripts for their senior theses, and they should have an outlet for sharing their work.

But I still hate poetry readings.

So how do I plan to use this revelation in this year of being honest?

I plan to say “No thank you,” the next time I’m invited to a poetry reading. There’s no reason to be rude to the inviter, but I’m also not going to be held hostage by poets anymore. 

That’s a really funny image, isn’t it? Being held hostage by poets. Yet the power poets have had over me is tremendous. Not anymore. Like Plato, I’m expelling poets from my republic. Well, at least from the part of my republic that is reserved for activities that don’t make me want to rip the ears off my head.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

My Menage a Trois

I never had much of an opinion about immigrants until I married one.

When Peter and I decided to get married, we knew there would be several positive outcomes mostly involving my ability to feed him and his ability to wash dishes, but we also knew that making our relationship legally binding meant the government had to take Peter’s green card application more seriously. I mean, sure, there’s the whole thing about loving each other and this act of matrimony being an expression of that love, but let’s get real. Why get the law involved if we’re not going to get a few legally mandated benefits out of it?

What I didn’t realize is that when it comes to immigration, all the carrots are for Peter and the stick is for me. Let me explain.

Before Peter and I met, he was a responsible immigrant with a work visa that allowed him to teach at our university. The university served as his sponsor and advised him to hire a legal team to oversee his green card application. Peter arduously studied the application, providing the lawyers with financial information, a birth certificate, and medical records translated in English (did you know diphtheria is spelled pretty much the same across the board?).

After we married, Peter submitted paperwork to make me his official sponsor. Suddenly the green card application wasn’t about him, it was about me. To put together a convincing dossier, the lawyers demanded bank reconciliations, tax records, a driver’s license, and my birth certificate. They wanted to know when and where my parents were born and the various places I’ve lived in the U.S. I’ve had rectal exams that were less intrusive.

Meanwhile, Peter continued to fill out questionnaires that asked about his criminal past as well as his desire, in the past, present, and/or future, to overthrow the United States government. He made a firm mark in the “no” oval on that one. The questions seemed ludicrous to me. Would anyone really ‘fess up to a desire to overthrow the government if he/she wanted a green card?

As he continued to work through the form, Peter read me more questions. Then, just as I thought I should bust out a chorus of Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA” to ward off the smoky outline of Joe McCarthy forming above Peter’s head, the question I’d been dreading came: Peter, are you now or have you ever been a member of the communist party?

Seriously?!? Riiiiinnnggggg……Hello? Department of Homeland Security? It’s the 1950s calling, and we’d like our ignorant, back-ass-ward prejudices back.

Peter, of course, blackened in the “no” oval, but I couldn’t help arguing with him. What does it matter what your political affiliations are? Isn’t political pluralism one of the founding principles of this country’s government? Don’t answer that question! It’s none of their damn business!

And this was only the beginning. Next, as Arlo Guthrie so poetically stated, Peter was to undergo “injections, inspections, detections, and all kinds of mean and nasty things.” We drove several hundred miles over the span of a month for physicals, vaccinations, booster shots, and an official reading of Peter’s biometrics (retinal scan, fingerprints).

And then we waited. The next step was a formal interview by immigration officials. Like a desperate teenager a week before the prom, I checked our voice mail messages hourly and ran to the mailbox seconds after the postal carrier descended our steps.

After a few months of waiting, it finally arrived. Our invitation to the prom, or in this case, the Department of Homeland Security in Helena, Montana. We arranged for colleagues to take our classes (the Department of Homeland Security didn’t care about our teaching schedules) and headed north to Helena.

At the immigration office, we stepped into Officer X’s office, and before we sat, we were told to raise our right hands and swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Determined not to speak unless spoken to (yeah, that was pretty tough for me), I looked around X’s office. Among U.S. flags and bald eagle paperweights, I found myself flanked by two large posters. On my left, Ronald Reagan eyed me warily, and on my right, George H.W. Bush looked on disapprovingly. It was as though the last twenty years hadn’t happened. No wonder the questionnaire was so outdated. The Department of Homeland Security was too busy redecorating its offices circa 1992 to bother updating its immigration questions.

Officer X interrupted my reverie by asking if I had met Peter’s parents. I answered yes, and she nodded commenting that Peter had just recently celebrated a birthday. Yes, I responded. Peter’s birthday is the day before my mother’s birthday, and we’d had a nice time celebrating both days together. Without missing a beat, Officer X asked, “When is Peter’s birthday?” I started to laugh, thinking she was joking. What idiot would forget the date she was just talking about? Officer X’s eyes betrayed no humor, so I swallowed my laughter and told her Peter’s birthday.

Then, Officer X explained my responsibilities as Peter’s sponsor. Peter would be given a green card, conditional on our staying married for the next two years and on my legal obligation to keep us on financially stable ground.

That’s right, folks. If Peter loses his job during this conditional period, I am financially responsible for keeping him off welfare.

This isn’t a difficult role for me to fill. I have tenure at a thriving university, and I have little reason to believe I’ll lose my job in the next two years. I should be able to keep us afloat if something happens to Peter’s job at the university. What shocks me is that I now have legal obligation to both Peter and the government.

In my mind, because of the green card, Peter and I have entered into an uncomfortable threesome with the U.S. government. It’s an odd balancing act, with the government always perched on the edge of our bed, the third guest at our dining room table who also reclines in the backseat of our car. We must always consider its reaction to our travels, purchases, and financial choices. And if it doesn’t like what we’re doing, it can always use its stick to shove the carrot it dangles down our throats.

But two years from now when Peter and I are still happily married, I look forward to kicking the government’s ass out of our lives. It’s a blanket stealer.

Why I Should Live in the Country


As a kid, I assumed that everyone’s neighbors hated them. To the left of us, our neighbors’ sons played endless rounds of basketball, resting between games on the railroad ties that cordoned off my mother’s flowers. In an attempt to keep them out of the flowers, my folks slicked the ties with oil, warning the boys not to sit there anymore. Several ruined pairs of pants later, the boys finally got the message, but their mother regularly ignored us on her daily walk to her car.

Across from us lived a mom, teenage girl, and a boy a year younger than I. The girl, Sissy, kicked me in the nose (I was eight at the time) when I tried to line up for the bus (our stop was at her house). The boy, Michael, regularly challenged my brother (two years my senior) to fights. When my brother finally consented to a round of fisticuffs, he pushed Michael to the ground after which Michael proceeded to cry and run home. Michael’s mother called my mother to complain about his ruined pants (apparently we were experts at it), and my Mom recommended bleach.

To our right lived a family whose father fancied himself a farmer. He built a barn in the backyard (about ¼ of an acre) and plowed much of the yard to grow organic produce. From inside, we enjoyed watching him endlessly roto-till his ¼ acre plot until we stepped outside and suffered the ill effects of his “natural” fertilizer that encouraged flies the size of our Chihuahua.

As neighbors, we were no picnic either. I practiced piano in the early morning (about 7am) and my brother practiced his drums daily. Our aforementioned Chihuahua, Tuffy, was a champion yipper/bayer/biter of strangers. He often refused to come in when called, so I’m sure the neighbors were less than thrilled at our nightly shouts at Tuffy to get inside.

Since then, I’ve tried to be cognizant of my own noise pollution as a neighbor and apartment dweller. As I’ve grown more conscious of the effects of my living space on others, I’ve become less tolerant of people who are clueless about living in shared space.

For instance, if I were President, my first act would be to make it illegal to cook liver and onions in an apartment building. The same law would apply for people who leave alarm clocks on over a holiday weekend when they’re gone. There would be a special jail for those who leave their howling dogs in the backyard all day while their owners are at work.

With a miniscule amount of tolerance left, I entered this holiday season with trepidation. Our new neighbors (whose yard our living room overlooks) had installed a particularly obnoxious Halloween display. In their postage stamp-sized yard, they had erected not one but two large inflatables (one in the shape of a haunted house, the other a Grim Reaper, hovering over the fence). Both featured lights that stayed on all night.   Despite their already over-packed yard, the neighbors added several tombstones that glowed fiendishly and several carved pumpkins, one of which was vomiting his own guts.

For a solid month, Peter and I looked on this tableau and feared for Christmas. And we were right to be afraid. A few weeks before Christmas, the neighbors erected another large inflatable, this one featuring Santa, his sled, a few reindeer, and some elves. This, in and of itself, wasn’t too bad, but a few days later came the light display. Our neighbor draped lights over the fences and trees as well as the balcony and awning of his house. But these weren’t ordinary lights. These were, what my friend Jill called, “seizure-inducing merriment.” The lights flashed and blinked furiously in time to….wait for it….. electronic holiday music blasted for everyone within a ten mile radius to hear. And this went on well after 10pm.
I lasted three days before I anonymously submitted the following note to our neighbors’ mailbox:


The Great Assumption of 2011 

And lo, it came to pass that in the town of Dillon, there was a house swaddled in lights, enveloped by music, and the neighbors, they were sore afraid…
  • Assumption 1:      Everyone within listening and viewing distance of your display celebrates Christmas. 
  • Assumption 2:      Everyone within listening and viewing distance of your display who celebrates Christmas enjoys flashing lights and accompanying music.
  • Assumption 3:      Everyone within listening distance of your display is hearing impaired, hence, the extreme volume of the display’s audio component.
  • Assumption 4:      Everyone within listening distance of your display does not work in the evenings and should therefore not be disturbed by the volume of your display’s audio component.
  • Assumption 5:      Everyone within listening distance of your display enjoys electronic mash-ups of the same handful of songs repetitively for at least five hours each evening.

My assumption:             You will read these assumptions and crumple them up.

My hope:                     You will turn the volume down on your display so that only residents                            at your home can hear it.

Now, I know the note is snarky and not at all in keeping with the “holiday spirit,” and I should have just put on my big-girl panties and knocked on their door to ask them to turn down the music, but as I round the corner of 40,  I’ve become less and less concerned about letting my bitch flag fly.

So it was with great satisfaction when, that evening, the music was noticeably less loud and the display discontinued at around 9pm.

I felt pretty good about myself. For about a day. Then, the following afternoon, the doorbell rang, and there stood my neighbor, handing out holiday cards.

“Hi!” he exclaimed. “I’m Phil, from next door. My family and I just moved to town, and I’m giving out Christmas cards to the neighbors as a way to apologize for my yard decorations. We got a note about them and we felt bad for disturbing the neighbors. You see, I served in the military for several years, and I’m deaf in one ear.”

Yup. I had that one coming.

Not only was this guy classy enough to come to our door with a card and a heartfelt apology but also he actually was hearing impaired. After serving our country.

He continued, “Yeah, so since I can’t hear out of this ear and my kids weren’t going to tell me how loud the music was, I didn’t know how loud it had gotten. We just moved here from California and we want to fit in with the neighbors. We love living here, away from the bustle of the big city. We decided to move here after I retired as an ultimate fighting champion.”

Gulp.

I smiled, nodded, and absolutely, positively did NOT own up to the fact that I was the one who had written the note. I admit, it was hard to speak with my foot so firmly lodged in my mouth, but even more difficult was digesting the notion that this guy could rearrange my face without trying too hard.

I said goodbye to Phil and crawled under the bed like the snake that I am.

And this is why I should live in the country. Not because I deserve to be free of annoying neighbors but because they deserve to be free of me.

Happy Holidays, everyone! Be as loud as you like. I’m not leaving the house until school starts.

Like Everyone Else

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve done things because they made me different. Instead of buying a four-wheel drive vehicle when I moved to snowy Montana, I bought a MINI Cooper with a clearance so low ants could barely limbo under it.

Instead of buying a house when I moved here (thereby establishing some equity and discontinuing my practice of, as my friend Terri puts, ‘flushing money down the toilet’), I rented an apartment and bragged, probably too much, about how I didn’t have to do yard work or plumbing. (In fact, as I write this, I’ve my feet propped up on the coffee table while I can hear someone else shoveling the front walk. This makes me happy.)

Instead of keeping a low profile during the probationary years of my tenure bid, I published this column during my first year at UMW, and, seven years later, am still recognized as ‘the girl who wrote that column.’ I could have saved myself several hundred calories in stress-eaten pizzas had I passed on the opportunity to write about my single life in Montana (and avoided, as my provost has put it, ‘earthy language’).

Instead of staying single or getting married at my home church in Virginia with my friends and family watching as I floated down the aisle in white ball gown, I got married in the drive-thru at the Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas.

Here’s the story.

Peter and I decided in January that we wanted to get married. The actual scenario went something like this:
                Me:        Do you think we should get married?
                Him:       Okay.

We mulled over our options for a few weeks. We could go to a Justice of the Peace in Dillon, but word was bound to get out, and we didn’t want anyone to know before our parents. We could get married by a JP in my hometown over the summer, but that would leave out his parents. We could get married by a JP in his hometown over the summer, but that would leave out my parents.

In the end, we chose to leave everyone out and elope. We already had a spring break trip planned with our friends who live in Vegas, and really, what city does quickie marriages better?

Once we opted to elope in Las Vegas, we decided to make the ceremony as cheesy as possible. We could get married by Elvis or any number of Star Trek Star Fleet Commanders, but these ceremonies didn’t resonate with our (read: my) impatient personalities. Quick and easy; that was the name of the game.
The Little White Wedding Chapel offered several ceremonies, several of which didn’t required the interested parties to leave their vehicle. This sounded perfect to us, but in reality, the ceremony took a little more work than we thought.

First, we had to pre-apply for our marriage license on-line. Doing so afforded us placement in the “express line” at the Las Vegas county court house where we both had to show up with driver’s licenses and cash to pick up the legal marriage certificate. We also had to book our ceremony well in advance of our March 5 wedding date as well as secure the reservation with a credit card.

I’ve seen dozens of films and TV shows where people get hammered then hitched in Vegas, and now I can say with certainty that I don’t know how they do it. We couldn’t just show up to a wedding chapel and get married. We had to go to the court house (which boasted almost 24 hour a day service) to pick up the license (good for only seven days) and only then we could go to a wedding chapel. You’d have to be a better drunk than I to navigate that kind of system.

With the marriage license applied for and the wedding chapel booked, we turned our thoughts to more serious matters, namely, what we would wear. I’d say we spent a good 15 minutes looking on Amazon before we settled on a tuxedo t-shirt for him and a t-shirt with the words “The Bride” for me. We took another ten minutes to decide we wanted to treat our friends to The Cheesecake Factory after the ceremony, which necessitated another call to The Little White Wedding  Chapel to book a limo to pick us up and drop us off at Caesar’s Palace (location of the aforementioned Cheesecake Factory).

And that was it. We didn’t think about the wedding again until we drove down to Vegas at the beginning of March for spring break.

When we arrived in Vegas, we picked up the marriage license and asked our friends to meet us at Caesar’s Palace. We enjoyed a short limo ride to the chapel, signed more paperwork and received a complimentary bouquet and garter. From there, Peter and I popped out of the sunroof of the limo and were married in the drive-thru Tunnel of Love.


My friends took a few photos and we all climbed back into the limo to go to dinner. In all, it took about an hour.

When we got back to Dillon, we didn’t tell anyone but our Human Resources rep at the college (we had to change our tax forms). Afterward, we just went about our business of teaching and research. We told our families during the summer, and when the fall semester started, we told everyone in Dillon.

The question we kept getting was, “How did you manage to keep it a secret for so long?” The first time someone asked me this, I looked blankly and cocked my head to the side, like a dog, thinking. Finally, I said, “It wasn’t a hard secret to keep because nothing changed for us. We lived together and loved each other before we got married. We live together and love each other now. Neither the ceremony nor the license changed us.”

So why get married at all, you may ask. After all, a woman with a penchant for doing things differently shouldn’t be so quick to conform. There were any number of reasons for getting married: (1) Peter needs a green card to stay in the country and our being married helps (though not nearly as much as you would think); (2) We bought property together and being married makes contract language and mortgages much easier to negotiate; (3) As I round the corner of 40, it’s less awkward to introduce Peter as my husband rather than my boyfriend/fella/gentleman caller.

But none of these things came to mind the night we first started talking about marriage. Before I met Peter, I longed for companionship and someone to care for (who wasn’t me). I wanted my partner and me to be each others' priorities, sacrifices, and inconveniences.

Like everyone else, I wanted to be loved unconditionally, inconveniently, sideways, and upside down.

In the end, I finally got married because I am loved.

Oh, and we traded in the MINI for an all-wheel drive Subaru and are now proud owners of property in North Carolina. Married, driving a "sensible car," in debt.....I really am like everyone else.

This New Condo

Last night I dreamt I was on a swim team. After watching me swim for a few minutes, the coach decided I shouldn’t swim more than one length of the pool during meets. Because I don’t do flip turns, she reasoned, there was no use in swimming more than one lap.

I woke up frustrated and indignant. In the dream, I wanted to be a good swimmer for the team, and the coach wasn’t helping me. I knew I could be better, but I was being held back.

I’ve been having a lot of dreams like this lately. I wake up frustrated and anxious. So what’s going on in my waking life to provoke such nightly discomfort?

Peter and I are buying a house.

Those of you who are homeowners just nodded knowingly, didn’t you? Because you already know what I have just learned. . . .that buying a house is an effective way of showing just how helpless and powerless we are in the face of a crashingly huge financial system that loves to watch us squirm.

It all started last summer when Peter and I visited Topsail Island, North Carolina, a favorite childhood destination of mine. After a week’s worth of beach strolls and orangey red sunrises over the sound, we decided to buy a condo there.

As academics on ten month contracts, we reasoned that buying a summer place while renting in our college town would give us an investment opportunity while still allowing us mobility in our job location. It was a well-reasoned idea, one that I had pondered for a while before Peter came into my life.

With Peter by my side, the idea could become a reality much quicker, so a few months ago, we contacted a real estate agent in North Carolina. We told her the parameters of our search, and she began emailing links featuring beautiful beach-front condos. As the snow drifted and the winds howled in Montana, we gazed longingly at pictures of balconies with ocean views and patio furniture.

Too soon, we were jerked into reality when we began shopping for mortgages. We discovered that applying for a mortgage is as personally invasive (and significantly less comfortable) as an anal probe.  They wanted bank, retirement, and tax statements. They wanted pay stubs and a credit check and just when we thought we had nothing left to give, they wanted more: landlord addresses, previous employers, etc. And this was all before we had left Montana!

As soon as graduation ended, Peter and I headed for the east coast with high hopes of finding a place early enough to get it closed before returning to school in August. Unfortunately, life had other plans for us.

Martha, our MINI Cooper, had been acting up, complaining of electrical problems since last summer. Four dealerships and a year later, she finally puttered to a stop in Rapid City, South Dakota, only one day into our trip from Montana to North Carolina.

With Martha loaded on a tow truck, Peter, Gracie the cockatiel, and I endured a seven hour truck drive to Loveland, Colorado, the closest MINI dealership to Rapid City. After four bumpy hours on the road, the wind kicked up and a storm descended bringing hail that sounded like shrapnel piercing the roof of the tow truck. Martha weathered the storm without a scratch, but as we pulled into the MINI dealership three hours later, the clouds parted and we saw the promised land: a Subaru dealership.

A few days later in our new Subaru, we arrived in North Carolina, ready to condo shop. At this point in the column, I need to thank my parents, not only for tagging along but also for exposing me to HGTV’s show, House Hunters. After watching a few episodes, I learned that house hunting is all about compromise. No place is perfect, I discovered, but a few condos we saw weren’t even close.

There was the one with the bouncy floor (some kind of laminate problem, I guess), the one with the porch screens ripped out, and my favorite, the one with four couches in the living room. I know removing the couches was an easy fix, but such a bizarre furnishing style really made me wonder about the owners.

Finally, we agreed on our first condo, a small, two bed, two bath place on the sixth floor of a large, well- maintained building. Though the furnishings looked like cast offs from the Golden Girls set, I loved the ocean view from the balcony.

But before we could make an offer, we ran into two significant snags: first, the building was pet free; second, the building was designated as a condo-tel (that is, the building would rent condos by the night). The first problem could be solved with a letter to the Homeowner’s Association but the second problem proved to be insurmountable.

It turns out that most mortgages are underwritten by Fannie Mae and/or Freddie Mac. Neither of these companies will underwrite a mortgage for a condo housed in a condo-tel.

Really? Companies like Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are the reason our economy is in the toilet, but I have to live up to their *ah-hem* discerning standards? C'mon, coach! Let me do more than one lap! I swear I can do it!

This setback proved significant as Topsail has only a few condo buildings, and purchasing a house was out of the question. Why? Because neither Peter nor I are interested in taking care of a lawn, garden, roof, etc. We’re not “fix ‘er up” types. The only non “fix ‘er up” homes on Topsail Island are well beyond our meager professorial salaries.

Back at the starting block, we asked our realtor to show us a few condos in a resort building not deemed a condo-tel and were lucky to find a terrific, affordable place.

At this point, I thought the hard part was over. We’d found a place and a mortgage, and it would be all downhill from there. (I just re-read that line and can’t believe how dumb I was).

All of the hurdles that followed (negotiating with the sellers, finding a home inspector, finding the best mortgage rate) would have led to fewer night terrors had I one important character trait: patience.

As I have mentioned in previous columns, I am a champion worrier, and I think most of this worry stems from my lack of patience. If I were a more patient person, I’m sure I’d worry less, but as it is, anyone who’s seen my left ear (my favorite worry spot) knows I’m one job/home/family loss short of pulling a Van Gogh.

So for now, we wait. The mortgage company appears to be on board, the contract has been signed, and a close date has been set.

So what do I have left to worry about?

The owner wants to keep renting out the condo until we close. The thought of random people’s naked butts on what my furniture is keeping me up at night.

Juicy Expectations

It was such a simple plan. Go to Vienna for Christmas and meet Peter’s parents. Tour the city, eat some cookies, enjoy some general merriment. But like the relationship between doughnuts and my thighs, everything kept expanding exponentially. Would I like to go to a hot springs a few hours south of Vienna for the day? Sure. Would I like to take a side trip to Paris for a few days? You bet. How about five extra days in London? What?!?!

You see, Peter is completing his Ph.D. at a U.K. university, and apparently when your dissertation committee says that it’s time to defend, you hop on the next flight. Such a change added several complicated traveling dimensions to our vacation, and we left Montana a little earlier than planned so Peter could defend his dissertation.


Everything went fine for a while. We flew effortlessly from Bozeman to Minneapolis to Boston to Paris. While waiting for our flight to London, we were delayed by fairies or elves or something (we were never told what was going on), and we started to get concerned about whether Peter would make his London train to his defense.


Finally, we landed at Heathrow, caught a train to London, and waited for our friends in London to take me and our 67 lbs. of luggage to their flat while Peter caught another train to his defense. Unfortunately, we missed our friends in the busy railway station, so Peter bought an extra train ticket, and I and our 67 lbs. of luggage accompanied Peter to his defense.


Due to an electrical outage, the train was diverted, missing two stops, and though that didn’t slow us down, we ran into serious problems getting a taxi at the station where all the folks who couldn’t get to their homes via train also needed taxis. We made it to his defense with only five minutes to spare, and only when we were walking into his department’s main office did I realize that I would be meeting Peter’s dissertation committee wearing my sweatpants that say “Juicy” on the butt.


Despite that faux pas, Peter passed (he did so well, in fact, that his dissertation was accepted as written, with no corrections), and we celebrated by collapsing at a hotel. We did finally touch base with our friends in London, and we spent a few nice days enjoying museums, shopping, and tea at
Fortnum & Mason’s.

From there, we went to Austria and stayed with Peter’s folks who live in a small village outside Vienna, This is when the real vacation began. Peter’s mom spoiled us with freshly baked Christmas cookies, pounds and pounds of 
Milka chocolate, and, just for me, several liters of diet Coke (Coke Light, in Europe). We saw Don Giovanni at the Vienna State Opera House  and visited the oldest Christmas market in Europe in front of Vienna’s town hall. We enjoyed a Austrian tradition of decorating a fir tree with homemade ornaments and candles which we lit (carefully!) on the tree’s branches.

Until the day after Christmas, I mostly stayed at Peter’s house. We took a few short trips into town, but mainly I let myself be fed by Peter’s mom, and nothing, save the language barrier, felt too different from life in the states. That all changed the day after Christmas.


The day after Christmas, I learned what it really meant to be in Europe. Peter’s parents treated us to a visit to the 
Loipersdorf hot springs for the day. First, I learned what it means to drive in Europe. I clung tightly to Peter’s hand as his dad flew down the autobahn at about 100 miles an hour (and there were people passing us!)

When we arrived at the spa, I learned what it means to be at a hot springs in Europe: nude.


We had chosen an adult area of the hot springs that warned its visitors “Nudist Area Ahead,” but I thought that meant clothing was optional. I was wrong. It meant that nudity was required, particularly in the saunas and steam rooms. Not wanting to seem like prudish Americans, Peter and I nuded up and enjoyed a dark aromatherapy steam room.


When walking from place to place, however, we all wore bathrobes and flip flops (crocs were abundant). When Peter’s parents pointed out a place to lunch, I thought to the clothes and makeup stored in my locker. Just a quick spruce, I thought, and then I can join everyone, but there I was wrong too. Everyone ate at the restaurant in their bathrobes and flip flops. The restaurant was cafeteria style so as I meandered around looking for Coke Light, I found what it means to drink in Europe. The soda fountain offered Coke, Fanta Orange, Mountain Dew, and…..white wine.


After lunch, Peter and I wandered down to the spa where he had booked a massage for me. After all the various forms of transportation over the past week that required I sleep in an upright position, I was looking forward to a good rub down….and I found out what it means to get a massage in Europe: nudity…again.


I have often marveled at massage therapists’ abilities to preserve my modesty. Massages have always felt comfortable and safe for me, so I was very surprised when the massage therapist asked me to disrobe in front of her (usually a masseuse will leave the room for this event) and climb on to the table. I was wearing my swim suit under my bathrobe, so instead of being able to quickly disrobe, I had to peel off my clammy suit and reveal all the ripples my “slimming” suit had made in my skin, particularly in the butt and thigh area.


Looking vaguely like an albino panini, I lay on the table where I was immediately covered by a sheet. Whether this was protocol or out of sympathy for my striated thighs, I’ll never know. It was a fine massage, but instead of wind chimey, Native American flute-y music, my massage was accompanied by a Cat Stephens cd.


Ironically, this wasn’t the first odd musical moment I experienced in Austria, which is, as far as I can tell, the birthplace of classical music (Hayden, Mozart, Beethoven). I mean, I didn’t expect to be accompanied by Mozart or Strauss at all times, but I found it a little odd to be using a bathroom at an autobahn rest stop that piped-in Mahalia Jackson. It was even more disconcerting to glide along the ice at the Vienna Ice Skating Rink to Billy Squier’s subtle tune, “The Stroke.”


I think I loved Vienna all the more for these idiosyncrasies. In general, I like oxymorons, paradoxes, and all manner of juxtapositions. I like irony. So when Peter and I left Vienna for Paris, we decided to have a little fun with irony. After visiting the Christian 
Dior flagship store, we trotted down the Champs Elysees to a McDonald’s with a view of the Arc d’Triomphe where we enjoyed grande frites (a large fries). Later at the Galeries Lafayette, Peter went into a Louis Vuitton store and inquired if they sold any fanny packs. He received a firm “no.”

We had a marvelous time letting Paris be what it is, a magnificent city full of museums, shopping, and architectural wonders made even more wonderful when we were walking around, eating crepes stuffed with bananas and Nutella, Peter in jeans and me in my Juicy pants.


It’s funny. When I let go of my expectations, even the most complicated plan became simply delightful
.

Roomies

During my first two years of college dorm living, I managed to run through five roommates. After number three and I parted ways, I forced myself to consider the possibility that the problem might be with me.

I always had my own room growing up, and though I shared a bathroom with my family, we were all pretty likeminded about keeping errant hairs to a minimum and screwing the shampoo lid on tightly.

Dorm living was a different ball of wax. I couldn’t just close the door and be by myself when I wanted to: I had to share my space. I think we all know what a hang up I have when it comes to
sharing .

The real problem is that I’m a neat freak who likes to have control over her space. I hated that my side of the room looked, in my opinion, fabulous, but my roommate’s side looked messy and disorganized. Once, after getting angry at roommate number three, I, in a bizarre form of “revenge,” cleaned her side of the room. It felt great and looked fantastic. The whole room had my touch.

It was pretty exhausting stressing about the state of someone else’s stuff, so after my sophomore year, I began requesting single rooms in the dorms. Since then, I’ve lived alone, and I’ve generally had no complaints about it. The bathroom is clean because I cleaned it. The milk is where I put it in the ‘fridge, and it will wait patiently in its place for me.

I’ll admit there have been some lonely weekends when, boyfriendless, I wondered if I could actually sleep the weekend away, but for the most part, I like living alone. And there’s always Gracie, my cockatiel, to keep me from being too solipsistic.

However, since the last time I wrote, my relationship with Peter has progressed. After spending much of the summer together, we decided he should rent the apartment across the hall from mine. I live on the top floor of a house with only one other apartment, so essentially, we’d have the whole floor to ourselves. When we needed alone time, we could just retreat to our separate apartments and close the doors.

Unfortunately, the apartment across the hall would not be available until December. We thought we could just continue to spend loads of time together while keeping separate residences until then, but I decided I enjoyed spending time with him so much that I didn’t want to wait, so I asked Peter to stay at my place until the apartment next door opened up.

Yes, that’s actually control freak me speaking, but notice I didn’t say that I’d move in with him (his place could barely fit Gracie’s toy collection let alone me, my wardrobe, and my extensive pear portrait collection –that’s for another column). At least at my place, my stuff and I could rest easy knowing that there was enough room for all of us.

Peter agreed to move in, but he left his furniture in his apartment. What didn’t occur to me when I extended this invitation was that he would need some place to park his stuff. My closets and drawers were currently occupied by my own wardrobe, so we purchased a few under-the-bed boxes for him to use, and I, somewhat grudgingly, crammed a few sweatshirts from my coat closet into my regular closet to make room for a few of Peter’s hanging clothes.

Since he moved in, I’ve learned from my friends that they don’t share their closet space either. One friend, in fact, uses the closet space in their bedroom for her wardrobe while her husband’s clothes are exiled to the guest bedroom. While I probably will become zen with Peter’s clothes hanging next to mine, there are a few things I’m not willing to compromise on.

For example, the bathtub must be rinsed (that’s why I have a handheld shower) after each use. Clean dishes may NOT be placed on a counter that hasn’t been wiped down. All plastic must be rinsed and deposited in the plastic recycling bag under the sink (I’ve fished from the garbage far too many pop bottles, honey).

I’ve been trying to let a lot of other stuff go, which is really hard for me. Peter likes to make the bed, and though he turns the large pillows so that the open ends face each other rather than away from each other, I’ve let that go. Peter likes to wash the dishes, and even though he doesn’t wipe down the counters before starting the washing, I’ve let that go. Okay, so maybe I’m not letting it go so much as I am not commenting on it while I silently seethe inside.

The big change for me is that I’m letting him help me clean on Saturdays, although the bathroom is still my domain (I must control the hairs and for a mostly bald guy, Peter really has a lot!). I decided that I’d let him dust. In my mind, dusting has to be done, but it’s pretty low stakes. I don’t have many breakables, so I reasoned, why not let him go to town?

Here’s the reason why. Apparently, I suck at dusting. In less than an hour, Peter went through two swiffer dusters (later, I stuffed them, black and twitching, deep into the garbage). After he was finished, he handed me something he’d discovered under the radiator. It was a Christmas ornament. And it wasn’t mine! It must have belonged to the previous tenant who lived here, wait for it, FIVE YEARS AGO.

So how much of a neat freak am I if I hadn’t ever discovered this gem!?! This was the moment when I decided that I had to let it go. Don’t get me wrong: I still carp on clean dishes sitting on a dirty counter top, but the occasional wayward hair and the pillows and the vertical rather than horizontal filing of papers? I’m letting it all go.

In return, I’ve made room for a cuddly bed companion who washes the dishes and saves enough hot water for me to take a bath before I go to bed. Let’s hope he doesn’t run for the hills like my last five roommates. My radiators need to be dusted.

Share and Share Alike. . . . For Real This Time

Since I was little, I always thought the coolest job in the world would be to be a Christmas tree farmer. On the surface, I think I thought it would awesome to be a part of a favorite holiday for many people, but now, I realize that the job fascinated me because Christmas tree farms are almost always perfectly groomed. The trees stand in straight rows and are generally of the same height and circumference. I find such order very aesthetically pleasing. This is the same reason I always like climbing on to a school bus. I like how the bench seats are always in perfectly straight rows.

I have extended such order into my own life. Though I’ve dated for more years than Dakota Fanning has been alive, I’ve never been asked to share my life with someone. I like having guests at my apartment, but I like it even better when they leave, so I can straighten everything that’s been touched or moved. It’s a sign, I think, that I’ve lived alone for too long. I like my stuff and I like it to be where I left it.

A few years ago, I wrote a column about this very problem I have with sharing. I look back on that column and laugh at myself because I didn’t even come close to understanding what it means to share with someone. 
Sharing a soda or a car ride is something you do with a friend, but true sharing can only take place when someone demands a part of something you don’t want to give up.

I’ve recently started dating a man, Peter, who wants to fold himself into my life. He is a delightful person who brings me flowers and chocolate and lets me hold the remote. In return, I cook him dinner and help him decorate his house. Peter is a very thoughtful man. He wants me to be comfortable and happy. These are all good things.

One Friday, Peter and I decided to have a weekend sleepover. In my mind, Peter would stay the night, enjoy a light breakfast, and then be off doing whatever he needed to do on Saturday. Then, he’d return in the evening, stay another night, enjoy another light breakfast, and be off by Sunday at noon at the latest.

When Peter arrived with a weekend bag, his laptop, and various toiletries, I was surprised but directed him to store his stuff in my study (I had recently decided that he could hang his coat in my coat closet rather than leaving it on the arm of the couch in the study because apparently, I’m possessive over even my coat closet). We watched a movie and when it was time to retire, I locked myself in the bathroom under the pretense of taking care of “girlie” stuff. Instead, I sat on the side of the bathtub and whispered to myself, “I can’t handle this. He’s not going to leave?!? What are we going to talk about for the whole weekend? Is he going to go with me to do my weekly marketing? Can I still get my laundry done?” I took a Tylenol PM and emerged from the bathroom smiling and so dopey that I fell right asleep.

It turns out I had nothing to worry about. Our conversations never lagged, and I really enjoyed taking him on my Saturday chores of recycling and marketing. On Sunday, we stayed in our jammies and watched the Food Network. I felt so comfortable and relaxed that I was actually reluctant to see him go. Of course I manically straightened the house when he left, but I was glad that I saw the weekend through.

Since then, we’ve had plenty more sleepovers and I’ve slowly let Peter become part of my strange rituals. I like to make my bed as soon as I wake up, and of course, I like my bed to be made in a certain way with the pillows fluffed just so. When Peter offered to make my bed while I fixed breakfast, I balked at first, but then remembered that it was laundry day and the sheets just needed to be stripped off the bed and tossed in the washer. I instructed him to do just that, but soon, he came into the kitchen and asked, “What should I do with the safety pins in the pillows?” The safety pins!?! Holy crap! I shoved past Peter, inadvertently pushing him into the door frame, and trotted down the hall saying, “I told you NOT to take the cases off the big pillows!”

In my crazy world, I safety pin cases onto the decorative bed pillows so I don’t have to keep rearranging the cases every time I fluff the pillows. If Peter saw the safety pins, he’d know I was a fraud! Pretty soon, he’d be looking into my bureau drawers and discover that my sock drawer is a disaster area! I may be all clean and neat on the outside, but open a closet door and you’ll see I’m a pack rat of the first order.

When I took a breath and saw Peter splatted against the kitchen door frame, terrified of my reaction, I realized that I’ve become ridiculous about my stuff and my space. I mean, really, who cares about my safety-pinned pillow cases? Soon, I learned that Peter would discover things about me that I didn’t even know about myself.

I’ve mentioned in a previous column that I’m a vegetarian. Except for the occasional slab of bacon (damn, why is that so good?), I’ve been off meat for about fifteen years. This means that I need to substitute protein in other forms, and since I’m not a tofu eater, I consume a lot of beans. You see where this is leading. I have problems with, let’s say, food talking behind my back. I’ve generally kept this problem under wraps by living alone for most of those fifteen meat-free years.

But now that Peter’s on the scene both day and night, he’s been witness to some of my back-talking behavior. For the most part, I excused myself in time, but a particular active tickling session led to an accidental eruption. After that, I started letting go in front of Peter, and to my surprise and delight, he thought it was hilarious, and he made little jokes about my ability to propel small airplanes.

As we slept one night, however, I woke to hear myself tooting a little in my sleep. I was so sleepy that I just rolled over and completely forgot about it until morning. After I woke, I asked Peter if I had farted in my sleep, and he just smiled and said, “Well….maybe a little.” I apologized and said that I didn’t usually do that. “Well,” he said, “I wouldn’t necessarily say that.” What?!? How often, I asked, every night? “Every other night,” he said.

And that was it. That was the moment I realized that I am the problem. No wonder I haven’t been able to keep a relationship together. I’ve been literally propelling them out of my bed!

Yet I have found a man who hasn’t kicked me out of the bed. In fact, Peter hugs me closer instead of shipping me off to the guest room. He wants more of me, not less, and for that, I’m happy to share my orderly life with him, safety pins, sleep farting, and all. Just wait ‘til he sees how I fold my towels. That’ll teach him.

O Holy Ketchup

Last Christmas, I wrote about my first time being away from my family during the holidays. I vowed to add new traditions to keep things fresh, such as watching The Sopranos on Christmas day and doing donuts with Jacek in his car in the school parking lot at midnight.

This year I’ve found it especially important to keep the tradition of being non-traditional alive. Jacek and I have split up, and for the first time in my life, I find myself alone at Christmas. The break up happened too late to purchase a reasonably priced plane ticket home, and for the past few weeks, I’ve truly fretted about what the holidays would be like without family or a boyfriend.

I felt awful. Convinced I had just lost my last chance to be in a committed relationship, I found myself having urges I’ve never had before. I started craving the companionship of something other than a man. I watched this video over and over and thought about how great it would be to have a kitten.

Luckily, my urge didn’t get far and I realized that if I got a cat I would probably become one of those crazy cat ladies who never gets married because, you know, she has all those cats.

Determined to set myself down a different path, I thought back to my vow last year to start new traditions, so I set a few plans in place. First, I chucked Love Actually and all other movies having to do with love in any of its forms and stacked my Netflix queue with thrillers like Misery, Taken, and Drag Me to Hell.

I shoved my traditional John Rutter and the Cambridge Singers carols to the back of my cd collection. The night before Christmas Eve, I attended a Kirtan, an Indian chanting session accompanied by an harmonium and bongo drums. Instead of “O Christmas Tree” and “Angels from the Realms of Glory,” I chanted “Ramakrishna jaya bolo, bhajo mano” while banging a mallet on a bell.

I ‘fessed up my newly single status to my friends and received numerous invitations including a Christmas Eve dinner with delicious homemade soups and a Christmas evening drinks party with martinis and pie.

But what about the day itself? How would Gracie (my cockatiel) and I spend Christmas day? In keeping with the theme of being non-traditional, and trying to fulfill at least one of last year’s New Year’s resolutions, I decided to make ketchup.

In my life, ketchup has only ever come in a bottle, ready to squirt forth to join my fries and veggie burgers. The idea of making ketchup has held a certain romance for me because of the film Meet Me In St. Louis. In the opening scenes of the film, the Smith family is making ketchup, and each family member has an opinion about the condiment’s sweet or sourness. I really love this family that is so checked in with one another that they are all allowed opinions on what amounts to be a minor part of any meal.

I scoured the Internet looking for recipes and finally landed on this one. Though it is a complex recipe, I wanted a considerable amount of my day taken up with this process in case free time left me feeling sentimental and sad. On Christmas Eve, I went to the grocery store to stock up on my ingredients.

On Christmas morning, I tucked into a cinnamon roll and a mug of hot chocolate. Afterward, I started putting together all the ingredients for my ketchup. I broiled large slices of onion, peeled ten cloves of garlic, and tightly packed brown sugar into measuring cups. I stirred in tomatoes and tomato paste and added all ten spices. Then, I simmered the four quart mixture for three hours, stirring it every fifteen minutes.

After three hours of simmering, I poured the boiling ketchup in batches into my food processor and pureed the mixture. From there I transferred the puree into Tupperware containers. With all that simmering and pouring from one container into another, my kitchen was a hideous mess.

 
The ketchup, despite its lengthy ingredient list and cook time, was delicious. I’m not sure if I’ll continue to make my own ketchup, but I think I’ll continue to resist pre-packaged and processed traditions of the holiday.

And because of this homemade holiday extravaganza, I need not worry about becoming overly sentimental about being single during New Year’s. I have almost four quarts of ketchup left over.

On this year’s New Year’s Eve menu: tater tots and slasher movies.

The Female Professor on Film

The following article is a departure from my usual column about my bumbling, clumsy life. I had hoped to have it accepted for publication in a magazine, but so far, I haven't had any luck. If you have any suggestions on where I might place this article, please let me know. Enjoy!

In a February 2010 Chronicle of Higher Education article entitled, “The Thrill is Gone: Recent films portray the malaise of academic life,” Jeffrey Williams describes the prosaic lifestyle of the professoriate portrayed in recent films The Visitor, Smart People, and Elegy. Uninspired in the classroom or by their research, these aging professors belie the popular stereotype of the beloved tweedy professor pontificating to groups of adoring students.

Though much of Williams’ article focuses on recent portrayals of the professoriate, the author claims “The professor has long been a staple in film” and briefly outlines the popularity of the professor character in films such as Horse Feathers (1932), The Absent-Minded Professor (1961), and Animal House (1978).

Do you see a trend here?

Williams’ film selections only feature white, male professors.

Unfortunately, not only does Williams neglect to mention women, but also he assumes his audience is male: “We are overachievers who can only wistfully imagine the days of the relaxed, leisurely pipe-smoking professor.” We are? Certainly pipe smoking isn’t limited to men, but the gendered stereotype is clear. 

Professors are male.

At first, I reasoned that Williams refers only to male professors because few films depict women as college professors. I quickly discovered that this isn’t true. In fact, I found several films that portray women as professors. Recent statistics showing the rise in the female professoriate also bear out this trend in films. According to a study conducted by the Association of American Colleges and Universities in 2005, women constitute 41% of all full-time, tenure-track faculty members in all ranks.

Even though the number of women in the professoriate continues to trend upward (from a paltry 19% in 1970), there are several films as far back as 1941 that feature female professors. In Cheers for Miss Bishop (1941), Martha Scott plays the protagonist, Ella Bishop, an English professor at the fictional Midwestern University. In 1943, Greer Garson played Madame Curie in a film of the same name, and she shows a Paris academy what it means to be both a woman and a scientist.

However, no matter the time period in which films are produced, balance is the overarching theme that emerges from most all films in which women are portrayed as professors. Several films portray women as enjoying successful academic careers with disastrous personal lives while others show only one small facet of a female professor’s life.

In The Mirror Has Two Faces (1996), Rose Morgan (Barbra Streisand) is a popular professor at Columbia University. Her students listen with rapt attention as she discusses the nature of love in medieval texts such as The Art of Courtly Love. She encourages students’ participation, calls on them by name, and moves around the classroom with ease and grace. Outside of the classroom, Rose schlumps around in ill-fitting clothes, fakes colds to cancel dates, and capitulates (at first) to her mother’s and sister’s advice to change her eating habits.

More tragically in Wit (2001), Vivian Bearing (Emma Thompson) is a brilliant scholar dying of cancer. She refers to herself as having made an “immeasurable contribution” to her field (the study of John Donne’s Holy Sonnets). Her former student (and her current doctor) describes her in the classroom: “She gave a hell of a lecture. No notes. Not a word out of place. It was impressive.” However, as Vivian endures endless chemotherapy treatments, she, for the most part, suffers alone. Only one person other than the medical staff visits her. Ironically, Vivian’s visitor is a female professor, one of Vivian’s mentors, who encouraged Vivian as a student to “go out. Enjoy being with friends.” Instead, Vivian went to the library and says later, “I thought being extremely smart would take care of it.”

Interestingly, in Wit and The Mirror Has Two Faces, neither characters’ work life seems to be adversely affected by her personal life. Both Vivian and Rose are accomplished teachers and scholars despite their isolation and loneliness, and neither let these parts of their personal lives into their classrooms. Not so in Mona Lisa Smile (2003). Katherine Watson (Julia Roberts) is deeply affected by a student’s editorial about Katherine’s decision to encourage a student to attend law school. Following the publication of the editorial, Katherine shows ads to her art history class depicting “the perfect housewife.” These ads from the 1950s depict women cheerfully vacuuming and ironing to please their husbands and families. Katherine asks the students, “What will the future scholars see when they study us?” When the students fail to respond, Katherine exclaims with great disappointment, “I didn’t realize that by demanding excellence that I would be challenging the roles you were ‘born to fill.’ My mistake.” She storms from the classroom shouting, “Class dismissed!”

Similarly, Elaine Miller’s (Frances McDormand) outburst in Almost Famous (2000) in her classroom shows her personal life seeping into her professional life. After a few months of sporadic phone calls from her teenage son on the road with fictional band Stillwater, Elaine, in the middle of a lecture about Carl Jung, blurts out, “Rock stars have kidnapped my son!” and she flees from the classroom.
In other films, female professors’ personal rather than professional lives are almost entirely the focus of the film. In Desert Hearts (1985), Helen Shaver’s character, Vivian Bell, is never shown in the classroom or in an office (though at one point she is shown leafing through several books and discusses preparing some lectures). Desert Hearts certainly explores the stereotype of what a literature professor should look like (prim) and be (prudish), but the focus of the film is Bell’s exploration of her sexuality in light of her budding relationship with a young, female artist.

Likewise, in Away We Go (2009), Maggie Gyllanhaal’s LN Fisher-Hirren, is only shown once in her office where she is breastfeeding her two children simultaneously. LN, in fact, is completely defined by her role as a mother, and though she refers briefly to Simone de Beauvior, LN never reveals what she studies or teaches.
LN isn’t the only female professor character to be defined or characterized by her gender. There are a few films that sexualize the female professoriate. In Bickford Schmeckler’s Cool Ideas (2006), Cheryl Hines plays Professor Adams, a cosmology professor. While discussing Bickford’s cool ideas, she loosens her hair from its tight bun and says to Bickford, “You penetrate me.” Later, as she reads Bickford’s book, she receives oral sex in a hot tub and orgasms, gripping his book tightly.

In Back to School (1986), Diane Turner (Sally Kellerman) enters the classroom to a wolf whistle. She then reads Molly Bloom’s soliloquy from Joyce’s Ulysses and after Rodney Dangerfield’s orgasmic agreement with her reading, she thanks him and tells the class that she’ll describe the reading list to “see what else turns you on.”

On the other hand, some films show female professors only as professionals. In The Sure Thing (1985), Professor Taubs (Viveca Lindfors) is only shown in the classroom where she has a profound effect on students Walter Gibson (John Cusack) and Alison Bradbury (Daphne Zuniga). Her writing assignments (“Life’s the ultimate experience,” she exclaims) encourage the students’ romance from the beginning to the end of the film. Though it’s clear from Professor Taubs’ advice that her life outside the academy influences her pedagogy, we are never privy to that life.

In Madame Curie (1943), Marie Curie spends the majority of the film in her lab at Municipal School of Industrial Physics and Chemistry in Paris. Though we do see her interact with her children these interactions take place off school grounds and discussion in her lab doesn’t include her children. On the other hand, many of her interactions with her husband take place in the lab though the discussions are mostly professional in nature. Though the film shows Marie as having achieved somewhat of a balance between her personal and professional lives the most powerful images of Marie are of her in her lab by herself or on stage receiving awards.

Despite these numerous one-sided portrayals of the life of a female professor, there are two movies that show a successful female academic who has found a sense of balance.

In Cheers for Miss Bishop (1941), Ella Bishop is a student-cum-professor at Midwestern University in 1883. Ella is an excellent teacher who demands excellence in the classroom while supporting and mentoring her students outside the classroom. Respected by her colleagues and loved by her small family (her mother and cousin), Ella enjoys her life. She is, however, disappointed in love. She becomes engaged only to find her fiancé bedding her cousin Amy. When Amy and the fiancé leave for New York, Ella is upset, but she is comforted by her long-time friend, Sam (who tried to propose marriage to her in the past). Amy returns in a few months, pregnant and abandoned. After Amy dies in labor, Ella happily takes care of the baby. Many years later, Ella falls in love again, but the man’s wife refuses to give him a divorce. After rejecting his offer to go abroad where no one will know them, Ella looks in a mirror and spits out: “You’re a teacher. You set yourself up to carry a beacon for boys and girls to see by. Well carry it!” This is really the only point at which Ella seems utterly exasperated by her life. Though she is disappointed, Ella continues to teach. In the final scenes of the film, the university gives her a retirement party in which several of her former students, a U.S. Senator and a Nobel prize-winning astronomer among them, thank Ella for her mentorship. After the party, she dies at home with her faithful friend Sam by her side.

Cheers for Miss Bishop
is the only film that shows a university professor from the beginning of her career until its end. It shows us someone who doesn’t achieve all that she had wished in her early days (a husband and her own children), but she does appear to be happy with her life and values her role as an educator in and outside the classroom. In one scene, Ella gives advice to her grandniece about not running off with a married man. Ella discourages her, not to save her reputation, but because it would be a missed chance to become a mother.

In Teacher’s Pet (1958), Doris Day plays Erica Stone, a journalism instructor at an unnamed city university. As in Desert Hearts, stereotypes abound, but they are quickly debunked and thrown out. When Clark Gable as newspaperman James Gannon marches into Erica’s classroom to tell her why journalism can’t be taught in a classroom, he begins to lecture a frumpy brunette with glasses. She looks at him confusedly and indicates that she’s not the teacher. When Doris Day enters the classroom as Erica, James stares at her blonde coiffure and his face registers surprise and then delight that she is the teacher. Later in the class, Erica reads a letter from James turning down her request for him to speak to her class about journalism. She dismisses the letter and paints a portrait of what this hardnosed journalist probably looks like for the class. She gives him a smirk, a cigarette, a wrinkled suit, and a great disdain for formal education. “But,” she says, “Education teaches you how to spell experience.” James stays on in the class (though he changes his name) to prove her wrong. As he gets to know her, he sees that she is smart and honest in her drive to educate her students about journalism. When he asks her why she teaches, she tells him, “Occasionally, a musician wants to be a conductor. He wants a hundred musicians play music the way he hears it. If I can influence a few students who might some day become reporters and eventually editors, well, I think it’s worth a try. You see, I have my own ideas about what newspapers should be, and I know they can be a great deal better than they are.” When she discovers who James really is, she doesn’t lash out but is merely disappointed by him. She tells him that he’s been unfair to the other students in the class who have worked hard to be there. He grabs her in a kiss, but she doesn’t respond physically and only says after he releases her, “Are you finished now?”

This is unlike a similar scene in Mona Lisa Smile when Katherine Watson complains bitterly to a colleague, Italian professor Bill Dunbar (Dominic West), about Wellesley women who want little more than a finishing school education. When she leaves his office, he runs after with a gift and catches her in a kiss. From that point in the film until she discovers that he’s been lying to her, she seemingly forgets about her anger toward Wellesley.

Conversely, in Teacher’s Pet, both James and Erica are changed by their intellectual relationship to one another. James begins to believe that she’s right about education being more important than experience. After all, Erica is an educated woman who worked on her father’s newspaper (her father won a Pulitzer Prize in journalism). However, James changes his mind when he reads one of her father’s articles and discovers that her father’s newspaper is little more than a small town gossip rag. James tells Erica to take off her rose-colored glasses where her father is concerned, and she too reads her father’s work with a critical eye, seeing it for what it really is. By the film’s end, James and Erica have reached an interesting balance. James has accepted her invitation to be a guest lecturer in her class, and Erica has convinced him to run fewer blood and gut stories in favor of a few “think” pieces.

What I like about Teacher’s Pet is that Erica Jones doesn’t appear to be unhappy or dissatisfied with either her personal or professional life. She’s single, employed, and ambitious. She has reached a balance in her own life and thus is able to achieve another one with a future colleague whom she educates and who educates her.

It’s unfortunate that the only two films which depict the female professor as fulfilled both personally and professionally are more than fifty years old. As women continue to enter the professoriate in the U.S. in growing numbers, we need more big screen portrayals that complicate rather than simplify the life of the female professor. Instead of the lapsing into the personal/professional dichotomy, films could show how this dichotomy exists to keep female professors from meaningful promotion within the academy (i.e. women are fulfilled at work or at home, never both). Though such dichotomies are certainly not limited to professions inside the academy, I would argue that because teaching is one of the most visible professions portrayed on film these dichotomies are strikingly prescient for women in this traditionally male field . Debunking such dichotomies is important for the ever-rising population of students entering college today. According to a survey conducted by National Center for Education Statistics, enrollment in degree-granting institutions has grown from 7.4 million in 1970 to 15.6 million in 2007. Of these students, over 50% are women. These women need to be exposed to their professors’ lives as ones that are rich, complex, and oftentimes, deeply satisfying both inside and outside the classroom. Unlike Williams’ claim that “The thrill is gone” for male academics on the big screen, for women, the thrill has just begun.